Dear Human: We need to talk about my litter box. Love, the Cat

Dear My Human,

I wanted to write you because we have a very serious issue to address. This issue is my litter box. My litter box demands are not being met to my satisfaction. Please find below my requirements to be a healthy and happy cat- and if these wishes are met, I will no longer poop on the floor:

1. I need a big litter box, like, the Taj Mahal of litter boxes. It needs to be big enough so that I can move around, stretch my little cat paws as far as they can go, read a newspaper, inspect my beautiful self and so forth. Also, I require a deep litter box so that if I so choose, I can dig to the ends of the earth in search of the finest fish. But, my dear human, the box cannot be too tall so as to cause injury to my fabulous physique. I would advise cutting a “cats only” entrance for me if the box is too tall. If there is more than just one fantastic feline in the home, the quantity of litter boxes must reflect this. Many a cat doctor advise that you provide one more litter box than the number of cats in the home. This would be greatly appreciated, and well… I think I deserve it!

2. I understand that you don’t like when I track my litter around the house. Well, my human, there is something you can do. A litter box mat will catch the extra litter clumps from my graceful paws! It is, in essence, a red carpet grand entrance to my commode, and que bellisimo… a functional one at that! Mats come in many different colors and patterns, so you can accommodate my high society, cultured taste. Paparazzi, cameras, and fans are optional.

3. But what, my human, is the good of a red carpeted Taj Mahal litter box if it is not smelling of flowers and sunshine?!? You must promise to keep my litter box clean as the spring breeze. I have an unprecedented sense of smell; my nose abilities are far stronger than those of your primitive nasal cavities. If you don’t enjoy the smell of my commode, then most certainly I do not. We cats are simply creatures of a higher order, who will not tolerate foul smell or unsanitary conditions. In lieu of this information, human, my litter must be of the clumping order, unscented and dust free.

4. The proper cleaning of my commode should be completed twice a day. I ask you, my human, do you enjoy performing your business in an unsightly toilet? Nay, you say? I don’t often like to point out the similarities of you human creatures and we alluring felines, but unsightly commodes are not enjoyable for either of us. Please be wary of keeping the litter box sanitary, or I will remind you in a way that is unbecoming to my cat nature. Proper cleaning supplies and attire are advisable. A litter scoop made of plastic and strong will, a filter with the power of 1,000 white oleanders, and a proper holding container, preferably with the bright, enticing colors of the earth and sun will do. In this way, you can achieve litter box cleanliness that is fit for a king or queen! (namely, me). That being said, a maid’s outfit would make this more official, so please go to your local human store and purchase some appropriate cleaning attire.

5. My human, I understand that you are busy and may not have the time to keep my Taj Mahal box in perfect condition. (Try looking as good as me every day for a week…now THAT would keep you busy) But alas! There are easier ways to fulfill my cleanliness requirements! It is possible to purchase litter box liners, which easily fit in the bottom of my box. When the time has come to clean my commode, you simply lift the whole liner and dispose with the other rubbish. Simple, yet fruitful! Another easy way is a roll and clean litter box. Sometimes, you humans are just so darn innovative! You pick up this light, attractive box which serves as my commode; flip it over, and TA DA! The unused litter goes to the bottom, the used litter and the cute little droplings I produce are filtered into a tray that can be easily removed!

6. Location, Location, Location, my human friend. Location is of much importance for my litter box. Please do not place my litter box in a room or closet where the door is often closed, (because believe me, I will find a door that is open… probably your bedroom) a place only reachable by stairs, (when I grow older into a senior cat full of wit and wisdom, it may be difficult for me to reach it) or a very open, very public space (Unlike you, human, in your simple nature, this is not because of modesty, but because of my instinctual nature to always be aware of my surroundings. It is a wild jungle out there, and I don’t want to be ambushed by an enemy when my guard is down).

7. You say you don’t want the litter box seen by your “oh so high society” human friends? It is possible to acquire a very trendy, discreet and fabulous decoration to go over my commode. In fact, it matches the rest of our furniture! How Savvy! It looks like a wooden chest, (which you can place foliage and human pictures on top of so that I can knock them over with grace and ease) and even your most cultured friends will never know that inside is my very own Taj Mahal! While they come in different styles and colors, I prefer the one in wood with that fabulous honey color. Perfect for the most refined fancy cat.

Thank you, my human, for taking the time to read my requirements to be a healthy, happy, and “non pooping on the floor” cat. To help you implement these wishes straight away, please visit www.mythreecats.com for reliable, online, amazing service for all my cat accessories.